When you get older, you get wider!

Woman In The Middle
Feb 26, 2020
4 min read

Updated: Feb 27, 2020

Do you mean to say "wiser"?

No, no, I mean to say "wider".

This was a little piece of conversation I had with my son when he was about 5.

But the kid was right.

It's been a few years of total confusion about what I should be doing with my weight/sanity about weight. General Madness is the defining notion covering these two aspects of my life. I went (and am still going) through the following:

Drink more water. Not plain water. Lukewarm. With lemon.

Bullshit, no lemon. It gives you acidity.

Cook food from scratch. Food that comes from the ground.

But never potatoes. Or carrots. Or bananas.

Eat breakfast. But don't eat after six.

Don't eat breakfast. Don't eat after six.

Don't eat at all.

Eat just one hour a day, fast for the rest 23.

Carbs? You need carbs for energy.

Don't touch the carbs!

No sugar. Only natural sugar, like fruit.

No fruit. It's full of sugar.

A glass of wine is good for your heart.

Even a glass of wine is bad for you.

We should sell memberships to this club.

What is a woman to do? If one of the above works for you - I am happy. Congratulations. They didn't work for me.

And I think I know why.

Because I cannot keep any routine long enough to matter. Because my life is NOT predictable.

Perhaps there was a time when things were not as mad. I don't know. Jane Austen time. But today, in my city, in my world, life is mad, I am living right on the edge. You don't know how on the edge I live.

So.

I have made a mess of trying to control my weight and keep it off.

My brain nowadays smells of burnt oil from frying schnitzels.

Here's an example of my thought process:

He's gonna ask for food soon, what am I buying, oh he's never gonna eat that, fussy bloody eater, pasta again, oh, no more bad food, hey why did you buy chips I told you we are NOT buying shit anymore if he sees them he'll eat them, I made soup, who said you were thirsty, soup is FOOD, I cooked all day, nobody's eating what I cook, fish fingers, fine do whatever you want.

And I eat whatever and hope for the best.

It's not working out very well.

Poise. Do you know how hard this is?

"Poise is perfect balance, an equanimity of body and mind, complete composure whatever the social scene. Elegant dress, immaculate grooming, and perfect deportment all contribute to the attainment of self-confidence."

"The Girls of Slender Means", by Muriel Spark.

This used to be my mantra but somehow it seems to be working better for Renée (Zellweger). Look at her: she will be 51 at the end of April and she probably loves BBQ fried chicken as much as the rest of us do. I mean, she is from Texas. But Renée knows that she must pay the price of delicious fried chicken in exchange for the poise, the perfect balance, the immaculate grooming. She's got the glamour, the coveted roles, the awards, the recognition and last but not least, the infusion of dresses.

In one word:

Mow-tee-vae-shon.

Yup, that's a dress infusion.

Yes, I need a bit of what she's having. Motivation, I mean.

Don't try to make me go to a nutritionist. I'll say, "no, no, no". I met two so far. One of them was completely nuts and kept me on 500 calories a day just to prove I could lose the weight fast and furiously.

The other was a real bully who was calling her patients fat to "wake them up". If you ask me for her name, I will give it to you.

I am not a fat cow. I just need bigger knickers.

Which brings me to the next thing: clothes. Good thing I don't have expensive ones.

But look look look what I discovered.

A brand of clothing that looks at women as they ARE. Normal women, being how they are.

Universal Standard. Thank you.

They have a program called Fit Liberty which is indeed, a revolutionary concept that allows you to buy for the size you are right now. If your size changes, they’ll replace your clothes and send your new size - for free.

For the older and the wider out there, we are an army of brave soldiers. We have to work, cook, clean, iron, drive, guide, inspire, care for our children, check homework, care for our parents, check with them, care for ourselves, check our own health, help others, love, laugh, live, read, watch movies, go to the gym, get creative but also be technically savvy, understand how stories on instagram work - don't even... just don't - and somehow, in the middle of all this, keep our poise, our sense of humour, our spirit, and grow old gracefully.

And the truth of the matter is some of us need carbs and sugars and wine to manage all this.